Connotations of Jealousy

I get mixed reactions when people find out I'm a dancer. A ballerina.
"Oh I used to take ballet." "My daughter-granddaughter-goddaughter-niece takes ballet." "I wish I'd stuck with it" "I wasn't graceful-good enough."
I never knew how to answer.
I felt the same way.

"She's a ballerina."

What does that make you think of? Pink tutus? Elegant dancers? Graceful movement?

I'll tell you what it makes me think of:

Physical pain. Emotional inadequacy. Psychological trauma.

I used to shove my ballet pictures in front of everyone I met, desperately thirsty for a  few droplets of affirmation.

My bible-study group never thought I'd stop talking about the trauma in Carlisle. Until I finally did. 

I hid. I removed all my dance photos from Facebook. I stopped talking about my dreams for dance, except in a "woe-be-gone, whistful-whiny" sort of way.

Ballet became something I abandoned. It hurt too much to think about going back.

And now? I'm afraid.
Sitting across from the fear of inadequacy,  the fear of excellence remains. If I get good enough to be amazing - and I will - I'll have to face those reactions again. The unspoken jealousy.
Keyword: I will
God told me to start dancing when I was seven. His anointing was evident at fourteen. My first dance-film was produced as I turned twenty one. This month I turn twenty eight.
I don't know how to move forward. All I know is I cannot turn back. • Inverse Dream on YouTube

Photo by Randy Choura

  • Apologies if this is self-absorbed. Sometimes I get scared but I still want to move forward. It’s normal struggle that pretends to be special.