For the love of margin

I skipped Bible study Sunday. I don't generally advise breaking from Christian community and I have to keep my anti-social self in the habit of accessing human contact but there is an important point here: I skipped Bible study Sunday ... to clean my room. 
Toes & Violets - 2004
I worked 11 hours last Thursday. It was invoicing day.
I like invoicing. I also like staying alive.
There's this thing that happens when I get emotional and introverted and slightly burned out with the idea of existing...

I need time to acclimate.

Dishes do not hand wash themselves, nor do bathtubs self-unclog. Clothes won't hang themselves up and sheets don't auto-refresh.  If only there was an automatic backup for bed-making but anyways... There's something more important here. Much more important than just cleaning the internals of the home.

The soul needs time to be a soul.

I used to feel guilty for enjoying time spent alone with me.

I judged myself for enjoying the company of imagination and silence. The same silence and beauty I soaked in as a child.

I think back to the extreme isolation ... and am thankful for it.

Happy afternoons spent in my clothes closet adventuring the lives of Mr. Lion and Mrs. Cat with their twin kittens, one wild / one tame.

My heart ached for Honey Bear sent away to her imposing aunt.

My dreams danced with my colorful little ponies who feasted upon red daisy petals in the backyard and pranced upon imagined clouds.

The violets sheltered under the auspicious pines.

The young ash tree outside my window - which watched me grow up and held me in its arms when it was time to go.

I need those adventures now just as much as I needed them then.

And now ... self-judgement. Funny that?

What kind of way is that to treat my own brain? A soul with a body is not a machine.

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  • I appreciate the point you’ve made here (which I completely agree with), and I enjoyed the illustrations along the way, especially those of your childhood memories. It’s also great to see you using more of your own photos. I’m a fan. :-)

    Please feel free to skip this next part, but reading this blog post also made me think about my own past struggle with feeling guilty about enjoying (or desiring) pretty much anything.

    I would often ask myself, “How can I enjoy (or desire) something that so many people in this world will never be fortunate enough to have or even be physically or mentally capable of having or enjoying?” To make a long story short, the answer is love.

    God gives good gifts to His children because He loves them (and oftentimes a gift is an answer to a need He’s placed within us). A gift given in love is meant to be appreciated and enjoyed (such that our focus remains on the giver), and if we, as His children, don’t do those things, we’re being ungrateful. Why He gives certain gifts to some and not to others, I may never understand, but the simple fact I’m constantly reminded of is that He loves us all perfectly.

    And even when it comes to our own love, I remember that I would never want to deny someone the things that I don’t have or may never have. In a manner similar to Matthew 7:11, if I, being imperfect, want good things for everyone else, how much more does God want that? (especially when He is the only One who knows what is truly good for us)

    So anyway, this is all just to say how glad and thankful I am that God’s love puts our guilt in its proper place. :-)