My first memory is having a panic attack.
I was 5 years old.
I didn't even know what it was.Eventually I learned to keep myself from hyperventilating, but recognizing the paranoia was much harder. Never mind trying to cope.
Indecision ruled me. Fear paralyzed me. Anxiety choked me.Now I loved Jesus with all my heart, but a whole heart was not mine to give Him. I don't know how else to explain it. Things began to change when I was 20. My mom asked me what my first trauma was. I knew the memory exactly. It's amazing how tangible & real a memory can be ... even as you never consider telling a soul.
Like shrapnel under the skin no one can see but you feel it everyday.As Mom & I prayed through the memory - asking Jesus to show me how He felt about what happened - the fear began to ease. I don't know how to explain what happened inside my soul, but I can tell you what changed:
- I was able to finish reading a philosophical trilogy by Francis Schaeffer, when before trekking to the 50 page mark required constant underlining & rereading for basic comprehension.
- I was able to talk to guys. As in, actually sit at the same restaurant table & carry on a conversation while not feeling like my physical presence would cause them to mutate into unrestrained creatures. Crazy, I know.
- For the first time ever, I could mentally "zoom out" and see the bigger picture. My mind expanded & grew in ways I cannot thank God enough for.
But the process began.And I determined to make this new freedom a milestone anchor on the cliffs of my climb onward & upward in pursuit of Christ and the abundant life He promises those who leave everything behind.
_________________With this blogpost I am launching the topic of "healing." I hope that by revealing how I've discovered freedom, maybe my journey will encourage yours. As I give Jesus more of my wounds and He does what He chooses with them, I'll be able to share more.
I am after all ... Living Inside Out.