Learning to Speak

Sometimes I need to be quiet & listen.
This is not that time. Hiding in my room, fearfully avoiding communication that can only lead to gain is NOT the time to stay silent.

I need to make a phone call. 

And yet my throat aches. Aching, contracting, tied up with emotions … I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s almost like when something hurts me emotionally but my body doesn’t know how to release it yet. Like a throat muscle cramp when I need to cry. You know what I mean? I get it other times too … when I start talking to a guy I’m unsure of and feel the need to run away but don’t know how to. Especially when the unsureness is valid. Moments of silence. The better ones end with an “excuse me.” If I feel uncertain at work. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I get paranoid. “If I don’t do this exactly right/speak up for the policy/speak up for the employee am I going to get axed?” The moments of silence unnerve me. I wish tripping over words was a fun as skipping by a stream. Although in rocky Upstate NY it’s more like climbing. I guess talking is that way too.

Ever feel 5 years old but need to speak like an adult? 

Moments of silence … when I need to be asking questions. And so I pick up the phone and dial before I can overthink myself out of it. I listen to the ring and pray “Oh Dear God Help!” I cycle through my head the heart things I need to find words for … I get the voicemail. Monologing! Fantastic! I sit up straight. With confidence I say “Hello, this is Meg Davis …” I update. I thank. I own my mistake. I appreciate. I inform. “Hope you’re having a great weekend and I’ll talk to you soon!”

I said my monologue, I said it right. Now finished I can sit and write. And yet I need to yawn the ache away. Maybe one day it will go away. But even when my throat is tight, I promise I will speak despite!


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