Rejection Remembered

"God, I forgive you for thinking you abandoned me."
I did not have the prettiest childhood. While there is much to be thankful for there are also many things I wish not to remember. And then I left home. And inner hurts that haunted made it hard to brace against the typhoon waves of the outside world.

Fears of a child’s nightmare smeared into adolescence that only God knew lingered.

And so here I am ... 10 years later away in the great wide world. In the course of my twenty-seven years, I thought He abandoned me. As a child, I felt I had to obey Him and follow His will in my own strength. The guilt of this carried into young adulthood. The burden of dreams undone filled me with bitter impatience.

I knew in time my heart would understand what my mind believed.

Many dark nights of the soul stalked my hope and joy.
"God, I forgive you for thinking you abandoned me."
The words above came out last Friday.  I was surrounded by brothers and sisters covering me with love and protection. In this safety, the lie I'd built my life on purged itself from my heart and my soul sighed in relief.

I am known. I am accepted. I am loved, so so loved. 

I'm ready to build my life on His acceptance. the wish to journey
  • There’s a certain beauty in the way God shapes our lives, the way He uses trials and suffering, and even the feeling of abandonment, to draw us nearer to Him and give sight to the eyes of our hearts that so desperately need to see, with ever increasing thanks and clarity, the wondrous extent of His love, grace, and forgiveness.

    And when I speak of such beauty, I don’t speak of it lightly.

    I hate the thought of the ugly parts of your childhood and the aftermath of hurt and difficulty. It matters to me and I care. And though I don’t like to let on about it, I, too, have known very real and terrible suffering these past ten years, both physically and emotionally, more than enough to turn my life upside-down (not that I’d ever try to compare with anyone else). On more than one occasion, I truly thought I was going to die (and maybe that’s saying something for someone who had already grown accustomed to pain), and looking back, I’m thankful for the gift of knowing what that feels like.

    But again, as for the beauty, it’s simply at the thought of what God uses trials for, experiencing and knowing the work He does in our hearts, feeling the comforting and reassuring strength of His hand as He pulls us out of our pit of despair and self-reliance, that I look back and say, “God, You love Your children that much that You would allow them to suffer in this way in order that they might truly know and be close to You.”

    (None of this is to say that I understand God’s ways. I don’t. It’s meant only as a grateful acknowledgement of his sovereignty and promise to work all things for good and for His glory).

    Too often I’ve been angry and frustrated with God, but He has never wronged me, nor will He ever. No matter what He allows me to endure, He will never be in my debt. I am the one who, time and again, abandoned Him, and He has always taken me back and forgiven me. Instead of concerning myself with blame, I’ve taken instead to thankfully remembering a certain verse about kindness and repentance (Romans 2:4). How patient He’s been with me.

    And quickly now (ha!), before I go, two things: That last line you wrote in boldface makes me happy. And pictures that tell a story, they’re my favorite kind.

    As always, thank you for sharing (and reading my overly-long comments), and finally, without further ado …

    The End. ^_^

    • “God, You love Your children that much that You would allow them to suffer in this way in order that they might truly know and be close to You.”

      I woke up thinking this this morning…

      • As a very kind person once said … I’m glad. :)

        Always thankful for when we can start the day off with something good on our minds … not to mention the gift of starting it at all.

  • Sarah Elizabeth

    I am so glad that you are doing better and are learning that you are accepted and loved by God and others. But I was confused on the other statement that you said. “God, I forgive you for thinking you abandoned me.” What did you really mean by that, do you think that God ever does something against us that we need to forgive Him for?

    • Thanks Sarah. A more correct phrasing theologically would be “God, I release my bitterness against you for MY thinking you abandoned me.” While God is always in the right, a common human struggle is trying to understand why He allows things in our lives the way he does.