Story of Selfharm: Take 2

For those who don't know, self harm has been a huge part of my life for almost as long as I can remember. This post is a follow up on my first post which you can read here. Please forgive the lack of relevance/order. This is a rather personal open up on a topic I can only write so much about. Scabs and Chocolate I fasted chocolate for a while. Had to throw out a bag of chips that melted in my car (sacrilege, I know) and while some of you purists may ask how I survived, I really was fine. I was/am praying for Sheena. Sheena's praying for me. A funny thing happened part way in. I was picking my head (as I am wont to do) and realized I have an easier time ignoring chocolate than my own scabs. Sorry for the TMI but it's my life "inside out" and it's true. Also this is a follow up confession on my story of selfharm so consider this my "non-apology." I still have a spot on my head. When one heals another starts; it's almost subconscious. Seriously tired of it. Waxing For those who don't know, I used to pluck my armpit hair. Yeah I know ... insert second "non-apology" here. Waxing has been a healthy experience for me, like using a great big, aesthetically pleasing band-aid. Not much info here but that's what I know. Knives History: I never graduated to cutting but they did give me panic attacks. I still think about them sometimes. Mostly when I'm super emotional/lonely. I usually handle (haha, pun not intended) them the same way I deal with porn: open my eyes, look at the physical world around me (especially if I'm driving) and ask Jesus for help, repeating as needed. Simple as that. Loneliness I had a roommate this year for a bit. It was a fruitful, painful experience. I'm glad I'm only responsible for me. I like being a free-spirit but I'm also as single as a feather in the wind. Sure the printer guy asked "what I was doing this weekend" but I played the ignorant card fair and square. His eyes are too dark, like he's trying to unsee things but hasn't yet. There's definitely a hug shortage in my life. Good hugs are in rare supply these days. It's a funny thing being human. I normally hold a low-level of tension in my body, even when I'm home alone curled up in my bed. It doesn't go away unless I'm among a group of people I really trust and love (Christmas family, you know who you are) and then when the tension does go away it's so shocking I try to keep my focus in the moment and fight to ignore the paranoia of when it's going to end. And you thought I laughed so hard I didn't have any problems. I really can't wait 'til I'm dead. Eternal not worrying about anything ever??? SIGN ME UP. Human existence isn't nearly as glamorous as marketing people make it out to be. You come into this world wet and naked and it's basically downhill from there. Experience the consequences of other people's sin natures then discover your own. Major letdown I say. I think Wesley described it well: "Life is pain highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." Every millionaire's stubbed his toe. So anyways, I guess this is a "most current how you can please pray for me" blog-list. Please excuse the raw particles of heart smeared on your computer screen. And tell my future husband I'm waiting for good hugs, k? Thanks...