What Is Deserved

I don't deserve you; you don't deserve me.

This post is going to be the most massive "subtweet" you've ever read. And I'm not apologizing. I'm done apologizing for things that aren't my fault; I'm done saying sorry. No more burdens or tears in my heart for the mistakes others made willfully.

It's not my responsibility.

I don't deserve you; you don't deserve me.

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I never asked to deal with your immaturity. Your whining manipulative outbursts. I never offered to be your "person of use." Oh sure maybe I said quietly "one day you'll respect me" and hoped my quiet implied meanings would defend my boundaries, but no. They have long since fallen by the wayside. I no longer care about your petitions for prayer and semi-genuine "how-are-yous." Especially when followed by requests for your wants. I've already given so much.
Insects and reptiles
"Insects and reptiles" by Cuatrok77, Flickr Creative Commons
I am done. I am not your on-call, automatic smiling face. I am not your party poodle. I am not your estrogen fix. I am not your glass of cold water. I long to serve ... but being drunk dry til there is nary a drop of joy left in my soul for me? I think not. I desire to wash feet ... not lick them.

Get your own relationship with Jesus.

I don't deserve you; you don't deserve me.

How long have I held your pus in my bosom? How long have I drunk your selfish venom? My body shook when I spoke of you. When I saw your text, leprechauns stole my stomach and bit my fingers. My eye noticed your determined walk and I forgot how to run. I was afraid. Not of fists, oh no. It's been a long time since force hurt me and very little then. It was your expectations I feared. I fell asleep at night dreading your pressure and woke up imprisoned by it. It wasn't like I already put too much pressure on myself. A ballerina robot there never was but always in the mind. To whom did I belong? Besides my unrealistic aims of obedience to my "dreams," I thought I belonged to you. Because you expected of me, I thought it was demanded. My duty. I thought I owed every human who asked me. Your whim my call to servanthood. No.

I don't deserve you; you don't deserve me.

Even Jesus said no.

And when Jesus saw great multitudes about Him, He gave a command to depart to the other side. Then a certain scribe came and said to Him, “Teacher, I will follow You wherever You go.” And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.”

Matthew 8:18-20 NKJV

Jesus was a cool dude at the time. Healing people and casting out demons. There's no doubt in my mind that the "certain scribe" referenced above wanted the privilege of association; the right to say "Jesus is my rabbi."

Yeah, no.

Jesus turned this guy away just talking about bedding. Imagine if he'd told him to take up his cross.

And I'm not saying I'm Jesus. Hardly. Have you smelled my fart? But I know that on more than one occasion people want to hang out with me not to be with me but for what I can bring them.

I'm smart. I'm funny. By the mercy of God ... I'm happy. And it took so many tears to get there.

Do you know my story? Have you felt my pain? When I finally escaped the valley of the shadow of death I thanked God for every ray of sunshine.

I still do.

The joy I have is mine to share ... but it is not enough to replace yours. 

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I don't deserve you; you don't deserve me.

Why would I want to pour my happiness out for those too lazy to fight for their own? Is that fair? I want to give ... but empty myself completely?

Yes Jesus gave freely, but He also went away to the mountain top to be with God. You know why? As God the Son in the flesh living here on earth, God the Father was the only one who could fully understand Him.

Photo by Martin Hesketh, Flickr Creative Commons

Imagine being so discerning you see every hidden, selfish motive of every human being all day long. No wonder Jesus celebrated the selfless faith of the centurion! (See Matthew 8:5-13). No wonder He defended Mary's sacrifice. She was one of the few who gave Him the honor He was due. (See John 12:1-8).

I'm glad I can't read minds. I'm glad I don't see every hidden motive. I'm glad I can't know the impetus of every single wound. We are such wretched selfish people.

It amazes me God can smile.

And yet He knows what He has entrusted us with.

I don't deserve you; you don't deserve me.

The ill that you give me ... I never asked for. But if I bear it well, God will be honored.

The good I have done you ... is good only from genuine love of God.

The ill I have done you ... you have done nothing to deserve the burden of my selfishness.

The good you have done for me ... I can never thank you enough for representing Jesus and His love in my life.

The two hour phone calls. Many more than that. The silent favoriting of tweets. The midnight prayers. The grace when I questioned yours.

And how many times have you washed my dishes.

I don't deserve you; you don't deserve me.

This is what is not deserved. All of it. And none of it.

By God's grace, we are His gift to each other. By His wisdom He knows that from our wounds we will learn. And those who choose Him will always win.

This is least deserved.

Honey Bee & Flower
Honey Bee & Flower by Kumaravel, Flickr Creative Commons

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  • DoGoodOrDoNaught

    Since I don’t know any of the back-story relating to these feelings, I can only say so much, but I thought you might appreciate some feedback. My commentary might be completely off, but it’s the thought that counts… I hope. :-)

    It seems the problem is basically one of being used, consistently meeting the requests of someone who offers little or nothing in return (or even wrongs you). I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and I didn’t feel I had enough to say until I thought again about the verses from Matthew that you quoted. But first, let me quote Luke 6:27-36:

    “27 But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. 30 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.

    32 If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. 35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

    Now, back to Matthew. I don’t think that Jesus says “no” to the scribe. I think Jesus basically tells the scribe that the cost of discipleship is high and not what the scribe thinks it will be. It won’t grant his selfish desires, and everything about it is difficult. I think the scribe turns away on his own, once he understands the cost.

    So, here is my point. I believe that we should give of ourselves and our possessions to anyone who asks as long as we are not asked to do something sinful. But, as Jesus exemplifies in the verses from Matthew, I think it is okay to first explain to the requester the true cost of his request, if you suspect that he is trying to use you for his own selfish gain. In other words, show that you are completely willing, but kindly make it plain what he is really asking of you. I think that, often, the requester will back down, and if he doesn’t, you can be content knowing that you are trusting God and following His commandments.

    I know this is all easy enough to say and something very different to do. I need encouragement as much as anyone, and I hope you have found some encouragement in what I have said. For me, it makes it a little easier to think about my requests to God. He knows there is nothing I can give in return to make things even, yet He still meets my requests because He loves me. And, when He doesn’t meet my requests, it’s also because He loves me. I don’t feel like it is God saying “no.” I feel more like it is God showing me that I don’t understand the true cost of my request. If I did understand, I wouldn’t make the request.

    In any case, I say all of this simply because I care, not because I’m a shining example of what I preach. I wish you all the best!

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